My love/hate relationship with writing

So, yeah. It's that time of year again. This time, like I've said time and time before, I have six essays. I'm so sick and tired of flipping through books to form arguments that may or may not even make sense to me, only to get a great load of flack from a prof on how it isnt considering of post-structuralist bullshit.

I honestly don't care. I love writing, and I love my majors, but this is just crazy. Loading this much work onto a student who can barely keep her head on straight isn't really fair. I can't do it all! I can't do it all by the end of next week! Which is why, at this moment in time I'm writing on my blog. Ha. Ironic

Tonight we're all going to get sushi (loveee) with my roomies and Cy. Good times, and I'm looking forward to it. Sometime in the near future I know I'll see my family, and I know things are going to be okay.

It's a strange way to live life, without rules. But i'm loving it. I just hate the stress that maturity and responsibility entails, along with having a conscience. Sure, we could all be honest and perfect and just say how we feel...

But right now, I have no idea how that is.

Searching for moments

For some strange and awful reason, I've let myself get attached to people. Maybe I'm not as anti-social as I thought I pretended to be, but otherwise I let myself get away.

It felt so wrong to rely on another person, so wrong that I tried to run away from it. It kept following me, time and time again. And as I trace the lines on my skin I realize I was right to run. You were the wrong kind of person I'd let myself get caught up with.

And now I'm here again, searching for moments. 6 Essays to go, by the 16th my life will be over for awhile. The money situation is evening itself out (although I still don't know how I'm paying for next semester) but we'll get there.

Perhaps I've tried to fill some sort of lingering inner void in all the various ways that a newly honed young woman would. (and by newly honed, of course I mean somehow managed to drop 40+ pounds over the summer and out of it came a pretty awesomely toned body)

I feel ancient. I'm tired, and my legs are cold. Literally my body's heating system shuts off past 10pm, and then the migraines kick in. I've only been partially productive today. I've spent too much time thinking.

If thinking were an art, I think I have perfected it by now. Too much time lost to doing that... And now I'm here again, searching for moments. Watching One Week.

Singing silly love songs and wondering why I just subjected myself to yet another 'friends with benefits' situation. Love is such a complicated deal. It's not really even a deal, in my experience someone always loses. This time, it's not going to be me.

When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold onto them; they are the lifeboats for the darker times: the incomprehensible nature of life is completely elusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all along: what would you do if you had only one week, or one day to life? What lifeboat would you hold onto, what secret would you tell, what band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee?

What book would you write?

The Capitalism of Christmas

This time of year can make any left-leaner piss themselves. It's hard to keep up with the expectations people ask of you: giving expensive gifts is the North American/Western idea of showing your love.

My way of showing love? Making the 6 hour trip north, cooking and cleaning up a storm and having the entire family over for dinner. Love is best shown physically in my opinion, as I've learned that some ideas just can't be expressed in words but in company and in hugs of those you care about.

It's hard to say how I feel about the holidays, as I love receiving gifts as I am a broke/poor student and have no way of paying for things I could really use (cardio gloves! so useful) and money certainly does make my world go round. Not, of course, that I want it to.

I find that every year on Christmas morning I feel this angsty sense of disappointment with the gifts I receive. Not that I expect useful gifts or things of practicality but it seems that IN COMPARISON others are getting progressively more and more for doing less and less; the poor are the ones who suffer the lack of 'love' at Christmastime.

I'd love to spend the holidays in Waterloo, if only my family would understand. It just isn't the same without my Dad around. It won't be the same without my dog Ben jumping through the snow and getting very excited to play in the wrapping paper. It was always the simple things that made me love Christmas. The way my cat loved to sleep under the Christmas tree, the way I myself used to get very excited when I got to decorate the house/tree and listen to Christmas tunes.

Its all changed now, it's become this capitalist frenzy: only 30 something days left of SHOPPING until Christmas?
How about only a little less than a month until I see most of my family, whom I have not seen since April? How about 6 essays, two presentations and two exams until I see my brother, my mother and my dear old grandmother?

It's not the same. It never will be, and it breaks my heart. Sure, I can fill that gaping hole with presents and food but I'll only end up coming back to Waterloo ten pounds heavier and a lot poorer. There's no solution to the Christmas blues but to spend it with the people who TRULY care about me, those people who know how to spend their money: not necessarily on gifts but on me and on each other in a way that shows truly that you love me. Paying for my bus ticket back would be a good start.

That being said...
All I want for Christmas is some sleep, to see my cat, and my friends. But obviously, family comes first.

Losing my mind

This is more of a journal entry than an opinion, but it may turn out differently than I intend. Right now, I'm sick to my stomach because I can't stop thinking about how I'm going to pay for my next meal, my next cellphone bill, my next tuition invoice.

I have an appointment on Friday to see if I can get a student line of credit. If all fails I'm going to have to a) appeal my OSAP amount, or b) drop out entirely.

It's terrifying to think all this time this moment was coming and I never thought I'd have to work with 6 courses, two clubs and a social life... but it did. I can't spend anything on anything and that is sickening to me. Laurier is such a shitty school to be poor at.

Of course, my heart and my head are saying two different things, and right now I'm pretty happy with that. Because, if my heart wasn't obsessing over silly crushes I would be up all night worrying about my money situation. There's not a hell of a lot I can do, I've drained both parents dry, and if I can't get a loan one of them is going to have to. Terrifying to think I'm pushing THEM into debt too... just for a degree that may mean nothing.

I just wish I could be a drifter, writing songs and articles for enough money to get by. I've learned this month how little a person can live off of (plus rent cellphone and cable bills). If it weren't for the kindness of family and friends I would not have made it this far: you know who you are.

So yeah, this did turn out like a journal. I'm not blaming anyone for my mistakes, I know how this went wrong, but I wouldn't change a thing. I just wish people would understand some of us will come out of this in a LOT of debt. We can't all have rich parents who can pay for our schooling.

That said. Love, love will tear us apart. I may be obsessing over crushes but I'm still hung up on the same person. Still.

Angsty Love: A (somehow) emotionally mature person's take on young love

Another night of watching MTV and various popular sitcoms with my roommates and I'm left wondering: why is it that today's teens are all uppity about love?

What is the big deal? Why profess your deepest emotion over and over again to a variety of people until its become so numb and nullified that it has no meaning anymore?
I've been trying to help one of my closest friends through a breakup with his girlfriend, and for the record she's being incredibly immature (breakup via text, aftermath via facebook) and doesn't seem to realize that the L word shouldn't be tossed around.

Call me old fashioned, maybe I can tell the difference between love and lust and deep friendship and appreciation. Maybe I'm just one of those people who holds a lot of stock in the loving emotion and won't just show those feelings to just anybody these days. But when it hits home, and when friends get hurt... I have something to say about it.

I think a lot of the reasons why people are so obsessed with the love thing is that we think that its somehow our #1 goal in life, to find that special lover and hold onto them for all eternity. But the opposite happens: we're social animals, we thrive in community settings; we hate being alone with the same person for any lengthy period of time. And I'm living proof-- of course I wouldn't mind 'settling down' eventually but I doubt I'll ever confine myself to loving one person. I'll love my friends, my partner, my parents, my siblings, but never just obsess over the same guy for the rest of my life like it's all I'm holding on to-- that would be stupid.

Because, when and I mean when that guy decides to move on (or maybe you will) you'll find yourself hopeless, without a personal identity and literally useless. A lot of times I see this after people break up because their entire lives and friend groups revolved around the relationship. What's worse is when the friends are forced to pick a side post-breakup. It's just a whole lot of nastiness waiting to happen.

So don't obsess. Sure, having that useless crushing feeling of hope and fear inside of you towards another person is fine. But don't whine and boast about it to everyone you know; it enforces that sense of emotional immaturity that is so often found in the 12-24 crowd. Yeah, I know that's a wide range but really it hasn't gotten old for some reason. That being said, I'm all for love of all kinds shapes and sizes, when love is pure and honest; it's a pretty special thing. Special meaning it only shows its face once in awhile, doesn't sprout out of hate or jealousy, and generally is a good thing....

I just don't see the point in reaffirming that whole in-itself for-itself dealio if you really don't need to. Why not have a little fun while you're young? Keep those feelings bottled up inside... you'll need them later.

First things First

Let me get this straight. I love the GRT. Without this essential service I would not have made it this far living on my own in Waterloo. For the most part their drivers are friendly and personable people and the buses tend to be respectably clean and operative. BUT in so many increasing cases, I'm finding myself stranded, unhappy and (freezing) cold.

Many instances I've missed the bus, only to realize that I was more than early enough to catch it. Many times I've waited an extra 8-10 minutes for a late bus, only to get to my destination late. Have I ever gotten there early? It's not something I can recall.

Not to forget the fact that there's a lot wrong with this service, but that I find myself scrambling to get to the stop 5-8 minutes early so that I will not miss it. The bus is rarely on time. Other issues I find myself turning over in my head is the sheer lack of bus service to certain parts of the city including the under-serviced high traffic zones.

I'd like to show the people in Waterloo Region, namely those who turned down the LRT option, how busy the iXpress is during rush times. How FILLED a 7C IS, ALL THE TIME.... how busy the 12, the 7, and especially the 9 are almost all the time. I have NEVER been able to sit down on a 9 at any point during the day. Ever.

How can we stop moving forward with other transit options when our current one is failing? The money won't likely go to GRT to add buses on the roads, this is not our best option. Clearly there needs to be a solution for the mainline so that essential budget can go to where it's needed: by adding buses to parts of the city without transit and to add buses to parts that need them.

As someone who regularly takes the bus (in the summer I chose not to simply to enjoy the weather) and lives in Northdale, I have little option to get to a stop other than taking a 7B/7E from Columbia which only comes every half hour on weekdays until 6pm.

Need I mention it doesn't run on weekends? If it weren't for the late night loop (which again, only runs every hour) I wouldn't have a way home some nights. And don't even MENTION the Sunday bus system... We need a consistent, efficient system here, no more of this bureaucratic crap:

I hate to think that a bunch of people who drive everywhere make the decision whether busing gets adequate funding and what routes get improvements.

Now do you see why I hate being late? It's never my fault. If only I had planned for the bus to be early, or late, or not come at all. If only I had planned to walk a few kilometres so I could be packed into an iXpress so I could get to the Charles Terminal 5 minutes quicker. Oh boy.