Day 13-14-15...

I don't plan on writing for awhile. I want all this drama out of my life. Although there are few things more satisfying than hearing the loud clickety-clack of the keyboard in the fury of the night, I don't think it's healthy to continue to dwell on someone that can't give me what I need.

That goes for all of you. You, who couldn't give me a good, mutual friendship. You, who can't decide to love me as a friend or as his everything. You, who can't give me the time of day but has shown me what love feels like.

I just don't want to lie awake at night anymore, staring at the ceiling. I don't want to cry in the shower. I don't want to contemplate the possibilities, of all of you reconciling with me. I don't want my happiness to be based in other people's hands, either. So I'm taking the step and going to eliminate you from my life.

Not that we all won't be friends, we will. Just that you'll have to find your way back into my heart as though none of this ever happened. I won't fall for you unless you make me. So please don't.

I'll keep searching, for that person who can make me feel alive again. Until then, I'll be that zombie girl drinking gallons of coffee singing at the top of her lungs in the middle of the night... painting beautiful b/w art.

I love you all, but I really can't handle it anymore.

Day 12, part two

I really can't stand you

You parade yourself around like everyone is looking at you.

Well, damaged teenage queen, they're not

If they are, it's because they feel sorry for you

You're rather large, and your clothes do not do you justice

Strapping your breasts in like that only makes you look confined, like

a sumo wrestler in a life jacket

I'm falling off life support, now that I know what you really are

Damaged, damaged, damaged

You can't get out of bed in the morning, and it doesn't end there

You can't let me be better than you

When you knew all along I was

It started off so well, but here we are

And you're not talking to me, don't you see? It's your loss

Because you're still living the 'life' I left behind

and I'm better than that, yeah.

I really am better than that, drinking and eating junk

torturing your body

So, my friend, or I so thought you were until last week

When there's nothing left to burn

I hope you set yourself on fire

Day 11-12

I feel as though I lost a day, then I realize I did.

I'm in that half-awake state. It's laundry day and I had to wake up ridiculously early. Not that I mind a good sunrise, but the whole idea of getting out of bed shortly after getting into it really sucks. No amount of coffee is waking me. I'm on my second pot, and I've already showered and dressed. I'm on load 2 in the dryer, load three is waiting.

This morning is horrible. It seems as though the entire world saddens me. I've cried carelessly over countless things, from thinking about my Dad dying, to my dog dying, to me dying. Why do I even put myself through that kind of torture is beyond me.

I have a hot cup before me. The air conditioner is running steady as is the fan. It's very humid today and I simply cannot handle it. The nails on my left hand are longer than my right and are making a delightful clicking sound when I type.

The landlord is giving the house to his son, and the appraiser is coming on friday. I'm not looking forward to another early morning, but I gotta do what I gotta do. At least I have plenty of notice so I can keep the place decently clean until then.

I'm rambling, ridiculously enough after four cups of coffee I still could pop back into bed. Caffeine has little to no affect on me anymore.

I'll find out later if that's true.

Day 10, part two

Not exactly the way I pictured things would all end

Where do you go, when I leave?

Driving down, flying about

Does she make you happier than I did?

I'd come in, with the tide

with the leatherbound books and stripes

If you needed me, you know I'd be there

in a heartbeat

Not exactly the best way to say goodbye

I can't just let go like this

Heart lies fleeting, tears keep streaming

All I wanted was someone who loved me back

If you needed me, you know I'd come in

when life got busy all you wanted was somebody

and I wasn't there

So tell me, so I can finally see

why you're living a lie

Day 10, part one

Sinking sleeping darkness.
I'm not a film-star beauty, or a centrefold; I hope you don't sigh

I hope you just come back

Planes, trains and automobiles

nothing will take me to you; I waited for an hour

but finally gave up. I keep thinking I see you

I guess it's not meant to be

I was so sure it was you, but I wasn't meant to see

Sinking waking light

Is it you, or is it me?

I hope we fall, twirling back into daylight

Pianos, toes and fingertips touch

nothing will break me, I waited and cried

but finally, broke free

I guess we're not meant to see

I was so sure It was you, but I wasn't meant to be

Is it you, or me...

Day 9

Shh. I kinda miss you.

I hate to admit my insecurities, but you know all of them

You know the ins and outs to being me

Every inch of my body, or as it was that day

my smile, how my nose crinkles when I laugh

and I miss that knowing, that understanding face

But it hurts to know, that when you get back

I won't be the same

and neither will you; you'll be the stag

hardened by the winter, changed by love

will we let eachother in?

Donne-moi ton coeur, que je criais, mon amour

Je te n'obliera jamais.

You're Beautiful

I see you, from time to time. But then again, you're always there. Watching yourself in the mirror. Going faster, working harder. Pushing yourself to the limit. Nothing will ever been good enough. I watch you fade away from blue to grey, and I watch your eyes fade. I see the blood and happiness drain from you. You've become fake, false but flawless. Well, almost. In your eyes you are always a work in progress. You push for that extra kilometre, that extra 200 calories. You have no idea how much you've lost. In time, in inches. You have become the one thing you hated. Addicted.

But I give you a smile, a reassuring glance. You are beautiful, in every way. Your hair falls around your face like a halo. You can be anything you want to be, and you chose this? They all watch you workout, they all see the determination. You're ambitious. Why are you doing this?

You've become a slave to the design. You're soulless.

The music takes over. Blares in your ears, drowns out my voice in your head. All you see is the open road beyond that gym TV screen. For 30 minutes the world goes away. They stop bothering you, they stop calling you names. The silence is deafening. The music drives you on, keeps you pushing harder each day. The loss is the side-effect. The pain is a resistance. An obstacle to be overcome. Your life has become a marathon, and you're only in training. The hardest part has yet to come. Facing him, facing his big brown eyes for the last time.

You look in the mirror, and I stare back at you. In that second you realize who I am. I am you, crying, screaming for you to stop. But you won't, not until you've been drained so empty that the numbness sets back in. 1,2,3...breathe.