I died, so I could have you

I'm over it. Completely. I'm back to where I started

You'd never know I was so weird

Just that, you still have a part of my heart, like you always did

What you want, you are, you always were

I now, I know, that when the plans fall through

I'll know it's cause of you

Don't worry, cause you, you hold my heart

Don't let up, after all, you had me for a moment

In your arms, wonder fixed with delight

I can't believe you fight like this

I thought better of you

Without all the hunger, that keeps me climbing walls

to get to places that you'd be

Without a yawn, I end up floating away

Don't worry, cause i'm fine

don't let up, after all you never needed to be like this

it's all in your head

without a sigh, I'm off like the night

Momentum

I went to talk to Lindsey today about what has been going on and here is the resolve we reached:

It was nothing. It is nothing. Get over it.

I don't want to, but I've decided it's in my best interest to get over myself. To put this behind me.
If you love me, or want me, you'll make it known. I don't have to put myself through this anymore.

If only I could believe myself as I write this. A part of me is still conflicted, still upset over the fact I have to let you go, let you move on...

If you're happy, I'm happy. I just wish I could have made you as happy as she does.

I regret not acting sooner, I regret telling you how I felt (showing you?).

But I don't regret what happened.

that is all.

In the middle of the night, in the middle of the road

Tonight, the stars are out. Literally, the sky is finally open enough to see the beautiful night. It's not something I get to see down here very often. When I go home, I can see the northern lights. I turn up my music, trying to drown out that voice in my head that is so troubled and conflicted.

I try writing, try to spill out of me the tears and troubles I keep running over and over in my head. But nothing is working, tonight.

I try to listen to songs that once got me out of the saddest times, but nothing seems to dull the pain. All i hear is this wail, this whine, that won't make anything right. Why can't I just be happy? Move on? I really just want to let this go, and turn the page. But I laugh, and love what I lost.

I haven't had a real migraine in a while, but one is coming. I feel my eyes twinge and crinkle at the sides. The light is no longer a friend, the sound keeps pounding at my head. I fear the bugs that keep climbing in around my air conditioner. Why do the little things irk me so much when I am tired?

I don't even know what is bothering me anymore, or why it's bothering me so much. It's a weird feeling to hate a situation but not be able to know what exactly that situation is.

I think I'll feel better if we hung out soon. Either that or you tell me you love me. Hahahahah

Your choice.

It's only cause I thought it was you

Can I come to your house?

Just a few words of a song, repeated and with more affirmation in Amy Millan's voice than I've ever heard. More mourning, more sullen sorrow.

It's all I've known.

I just got home now, from grocery shopping. The screams of alarms down the street: fire, police..

I can smell burning sugar. I wonder where the fire is.

Truth is, I don't care. As long as it's not somewhere I care about.

Even when Mel's burned down it wasn't a big deal to me. I just wanted the drama to end.

Short sentences, shorter thoughts. I ran 3.7 miles today. I'm still living off of the high.

There's an odd kind of confidence I get when I run, it's though... I don't care what jiggles and wiggles, because I'm moving faster than you.

Rage against the machine is epic running music, so are Deftones. But that's aside from the point.

There's static in the air

It's giving me a headache. That, and the running high, the fact I ate an entire sandwich, a salad and some cucumber and I'm still hungry.

Bah.

This isnt a real entry.

Its just a wordy blurb from the heat. or heart. haven't decided yet.

For You.

Drip drip drop, down on my face, down to the floor

take one, of a two week time

I find myself staying here longer each day

and I swear that someday, I will see straight

and I'll find you, falling over again

Click, click click over your big brown eyes

staring back into mine

I can't get over this sullen sweet night

and I just want you to feel alright

Some pages pass, and back to you I come

all signs point back north

but the words mean more to me than you

they were written for you

Tap, tap tip my fingers on the keys, all too late

the blankets on the bed, tattered and smell weird

they smell of cold sweat and beer

I ache for the wintertime, those books that we've read

I'll read again

After enough time passes, you'll remember my name

and your heart will break all over again

So long, and so far.

thump, de dump thump, my heart won't stop pounding

I swear its only because of you

the sounds of the night keep on crying

and it's only because of you.

Rainy nights and G20 fights

Home.

It's a four letter word, but doesn't exist. I can't say it enough. I want to go home, home home.

I don't have one. This is my 'home' now. I've made it that way. It's my little dark cave in the corner of the house. Internet access, hot water, food, and an air conditioner. That's pretty much all I need to live. I type and type and words flow, but cash does not. I do not care for the poverty I'm experiencing, but it comes with being a student without a job.

But you already know that story. Today's dilemma is one of heart-wrenching angst. Yeah, I went there...

The G20 comes to an end now, and everyone is returning home, slowly. People I know have been mistreated by the police, and my godfather may have been arrested. He is a cameraman for CTV. The question that boggles my mind is this: "why the G20? they're not even paying attention..."

The leaders of the 20 largest superpowers were not concerned with the protests going on outside of the convention centre. In fact, they even mocked the mass riots occurring stating that "we hope the Toronto police can take a break after all this". Why protest at one of the most secure summits ever, when the likelihood of violence and anarchy is beyond affirmative?

Hope.

There's only one reason why anyone in their right mind would grab their torch and pitchfork (metaphorically speaking) and head to Toronto on that weekend. They have hope, in the failing system, the shameful government of Canada and around the world, that things would change. Maybe.

But they didn't, and now what? You're stuck in a detention centre, probably not going to be charged (based on what evidence?) and then you go back to your daily grind tomorrow.

Back to being a part of the big machine.

It goes to show that having a voice is one thing, knowing how to use it is another. As I sit here, popping tylenol and drinking hot tea as I fight off a bad bout of tonsillitis, I think I know where I stand. I wish I could have been there, but for what?

To save you, and to show you why I care.

Sleep is overrated.

I 'woke' up this morning at 7:50. I was worried I'd miss the first bus back home. Not that I wanted to leave so quickly, but I was tired and you were tired. Staying and sharing your bed was already a bit of an impertinence.

What a night it was, though. I'm glad nothing really happened, because I'm just sick of drama. We just hung out like two friends and did things that friends do. Drank beer, played Xbox and cruised Facebook all the while maintaining that boundary of guy vs. girl.

I was about to talk to you about the whole situation going on, but not enough to tell you where my heart lies. The truth is, I came because I was hoping you'd make me fall for you. Thank god now, that you didn't. I'm the worst.

I won't let up, now. Staying up to see the sun rise because there's no way I was going to walk home is just the ticket I needed. I needed last night like I need to go home, which is badly.

Home is such a distant memory now that this place is starting to feel that way.

Why is that a bad thing? Not exactly sure.

Why is this blog turning into a livejournal? No idea either. I need a place to get my thoughts out, that's all.

It's only my biggest fear: losing someone

Yes, by someone I mean you.

This whole "protesting" the G20 thing was a bad idea. I knew from the moment I got sick I wasn't going to go, it was the perfect excuse. I can't risk my career on a petty arrest made at a rally at the G20. Protesting there would only be efficient if the actual leaders were watching. And from the sounds of it, nobody but the families and friends of the protesters were.

Which brings me to this: I couldn't find you within the shot of the camera. When I heard the tear gas being thrown, and saw the gas masks being put on I was immediately scared. I couldn't be there to protect you. I couldn't be there to fight back. To show you that I would lie down on the ground to set you free.

I had hoped in my dream earlier that you'd call and try to get me to get out out of there. When you did, actually. I was mad. I didn't know how I was supposed to help you. I didn't know why your girlfriend texted me. Her greeting was cold, unfriendly.

She thought I was with you.

Scared silent, I lie here now. Writing is my only release as running in the humidity would probably kill me.. I get another text, and another. People are worried about you. They're asking me where you are. I feel like an authority on your life.

She should be in that position, not I.

When you get back I know where you'll run to. I'm just sad it's not me.

When all I needed, was the truth.

More than apathy, or empathy, maybe even sympathy

Like prefixes I'm standing, waiting for the clear

Everyone knows I'm in over my head

8:00 - you're on my mind

I try to disengage, myself from this whole reality

Say I agree with you, that it's all getting along

But I find another way to fall, and lose everything

as a sea becomes between us

I wish I knew I'd fallen in over my head

10:00 - you're on my mind

I attempt to close my eyes, but caffeine comfort

calls, and crying feels like a part of the past

becomes a part, maybe I won't act

She was yours all along; I won't come down

I love this torture, sweet remedy for happiness

Midnight - you're on my mind

and everyone knows she's on your mind

all the time, everyone knows I'm in over my head

Like a stranger I wish I could disengage

Myself from your reality, like a sympathy

that becomes a life that won't lead

All I wanted was to love, and be loved

But that was too much to ask for, from you

And I know why, and I feel ashamed to have even tried

Could have led you to believe I didn't

But that would have resulted in a lie, for my time

with you, I would have never saved your life

Fallen backwards, stuck in shock

I didn't know any better

After all, it was you who started this,

without consequence; I laid out a list

of why I can't do this, you trashed it

with your smiles and sweet caresses

Why I can't do this, why I can't do this

I couldn't hold back

and you left me to lie there, in the dark

as she begins to raise your heartbeat

back from the dead, drive until you lose the road

Wound me up, and threw me down

I'll admit to anything

Why I can live now, i'll never understand

I write for you everyday, and now I just pretend

that I never lost a friend, somewhere along in this

dizziness, wound me up, and lay me down

I'll take you for anything

Where were you,

when all I needed was the truth?

Lost along with time, all I needed was life

I'll write to you everyday, and now we can just pretend

that you never was a friend, and somewhere along in us

we wind up, and fall back down

Just take me, or take everything

When all I needed, was you.

Hobbies and Boys

There are few things that continuously separate me from reality: paint and daydreaming. The secret life of daydreams happens to not only be my life, but a song that I listen to while participating in this lucid activity. I close my eyes, sometimes not; I simply imagine a world where things always went my way, and I always won out in the end.

Of course, we know that this never happens in real life, that's why it's called daydreaming. It's that release of kept emotions that brings out the weirdest fantasy and the most poignant thought. Today's daydream consists of wondering if you're thinking of me when I'm thinking of you.

A strange thought to think, but when it's in my head it turns into a long, winding tale of love and complete impossible reality. Which is good, considering that otherwise I'd have no way of dealing with the possible when the impossible is out of reach.

Everyone keeps telling me they never thought I'd end up like this. Like what, is what I wonder. Like this? Falling over and over for the same guy? Isn't that my life story?

Hobbies take that sting away; that sting that occurs when you wake from the daydream, but the parts that make you giddy come back.... Painting is the one hobby I enjoy the most. It lets me realize a dream onto canvas without making it ridiculous

And nobody knows but me

Oppression and Suppression

Dawn rises and the G20 Summit in Toronto is underway as I open my eyes to a hot, humid bedroom and a large amount of new RSS links on my facebook page. Social media has led me to have hope in that my voice against the current government is being heard. That is, until I read that the police in Toronto were being granted special privileges to search anyone on sight without means or reason, and to arrest those who refused. This is not only a direct violation of our charter of rights and freedoms but that of almost every peace accord in the world. Searching unarmed (or possibly armed) protesters and passersby without means to is not only unlawful it is also unjust. I have the constitutional right to refuse search without warrant, but that seems to have been forgotten in light of oppressing whatever protests might be going on in the downtown core.

The government seems scared of what is coming today and this weekend: they seem to be so worried about the country speaking out against what has been going on these past few years (and currently as the gulf oil crisis continues and we as Canadians do nothing) and simply just want to showboat for the other major countries. We seem to have so much to offer as a country yet we close off most of the busiest city in Canada to construct an elaborate guise to cover up the true nature of Toronto: polluted, full of crime and albeit a very culturally diverse place to live; it is loaded with unemployment. Toronto has its own problems, the G20 theirs. Disguising the tumultuous city that is the big T Dot so that we seem better as a country is almost as bad as portraying Canadians as proud, raucous people who drink all the time and worship the beaver; but Oh, wait: that's what we did at the Olympics.

And even then, protesting was 'kept' to a minimum and voices were silenced. People who wanted to voice their concerns were hushed and told that they were being unpatriotic by embarassing their country during a time when all eyes were on Canada.

Unpatriotic. It's a word often used to undermine the activists of our country when the protests are 'inconvenient' to the government or the appearance of the country. But the truth is, that patriotism is exactly that: voicing our opinions and concerns when it is so duly NEEDED. And folks, it is duly needed now: the world's eyes are on Canada, and we have to stick up for ourselves: we cannot count on our shameful Prime Minister and government to do that.

As for myself, I think it's probably a really good thing I'm not at the G20. I'd be screaming, fighting, causing such a hell that the police would just HAVE to throw me in jail. Cause, you know, I'd be hurting the image of Canada. So instead I sit here, comfortably, and contribute back into a system that is failing, a country that is in hiding from speaking out; all the while hoping that my dear friends, who took up their right to protest whatever it is they feel needs changed, stay safe and come home without criminal records.

Beyond the finish line

I want to jump

but not to fall

I want to cry

but still stand tall

Feelings keep leaping out of me

but I stand still

Darkness, my old friend

until my heart stops beating

it will all feel new, the love I want

Is never the love I have,

and the love I got

is never quite enough love to me

I stand at the finish line

the crack of pavement seems close enough to touch

but I still have far to go

I'm done with this, I count to ten

But the room doesn't disappear,

blue eyes close, and repeat

I feel like I'm waiting for the end

I think the finish line's a good place I could start

take a deep breath

dive under, and steal back my heart

Its useless, to say

That I wanted you to stay

hold back your dreams, to make mine true

but that's never going to be enough

for me, or for you

Just come back to me, sometime

Just come back and be something to me

The finish line awaits.

Most of what I remember, makes me sure.

I'm miles from where you said you are. I don't know what to do anymore. I've stopped suppressing all feeling, and I'm scared. I wish you'd come over and tell me I'm your everything. I wish for a lot of things. Above all, I want to go home.

Home is that place in my mind where I think I'm the happiest. It's never true. Going back to Pembroke results in a lot of pain and drama, and then I can't wait to leave. Waterloo is the safe haven.

But it's not where you'll be.

The sky is getting darker, and the wind is cold. I don't know how to keep warm anymore. I've quit pretending I'm happy, and I miss you. I wish you'd call and tell me you miss me too. I wish for too many things. Above all, I want you here, now.

But it's not where you'll be.

I hope you're happy with her. Both of you, I hope you're happy. You broke my heart, without realizing what you did that day. I don't know how much longer I'll be in repair, and all the of the things I wish for, may just go.

Or maybe you'll hear my crying, from down the street, down the road; and come find me...

put me back together again. I'm flawed, but for a moment I felt beautiful.

I'm sick of this...

Sick of fighting, when you just lie down and take it. You honestly want me to back down and admit failure, when you're the one who starts most of this. You freaked out about a grammar comment, when really it was called for. Who the fuck misspells an entire facebook post and doesn't expect someone (a best friend) to comment on the fact YOU'RE IN COLLEGE and should know better?

You won't let it go-- you have NO fucking idea what I have gone through in the last week. I fucked my best friend, lost all dignity and happiness along with it. See? That's only the beginning. That's only the fucking recent shit you don't know about.

You think you know me like the back of your hand? Then stop saying I'm this verbally combative bitch, because I'm not. I would NEVER hurt you intentionally and you know it. You're just trying to start shit.

The New Loop

I like to walk, but only when I'm not going anywhere in particular, have nowhere else to be and the weather is okay. I can walk for miles. One time I walked home from school. It's a 20 minute drive, but it's a 2 hour walk.

Walking, you see things you normally wouldn't see when you're driving. For instance, I meet all kinds of people, see and smell the most beautiful flowers and get probably the best workout ever without putting much effort.

I put on my iPod of course, and I have a playlist: the Pride and Prejudice Soundtrack (Dario Marinelli is amazing), Snow Patrol, and of course Explosions in the Sky. It's all semi-soft flowy kind of music that just lets my feet do the work.

If I listened to my regular music I would have gotten the urge to run, and I never wear running gear when I go walking. (-gross!)

I'm so used to the sights and sounds of my neighbourhood now, I try to make my way in a new direction every day (providing it's not raining or being disgusting out), and last night I went to Sobeys on Northfield and Weber. It's about 3 km each way, so nothing crazy... But now that I remember seeing signs for the St. Jacobs Farmer's Market I'm kinda mad that I didn't go further. I guess I know where I'm walking this Saturday!

Walking gives me the moment to eliminate all the bad and shitty memories or thoughts I might be thinking about, and lets me reacquaint myself with the moment; I never understood why I loved it so much until I moved here, and started walking again.

When I lived in Pembroke, I would walk 12km every day after dinner, for no reason. I would watch the sunset from the top of TV tower rd., and then walk to the Cemetery and back down through the old rail-road tracks. The "loop" as I called it, was alternated with running and walking throughout the summer keeping me active and happy. Sometimes it rained, which was great because there's nothing more beautiful than being soaking wet surrounded by green foliage under a night sky.

There you have it folks, just another one of the things that keeps me alive, and happy.

Palindromes

that old blue ocean opens up to swallow me whole, and standing on this rooftop I can yell out
anything I want without repercussions, without pain and suffering
that old black night opens up to carry me away, and standing on this shoreline I can sing
anything I could ever dream of without any boundaries, without encountering
Should have been safe there, should have realized money was for lies
who knew it would be so tempting to let it all slip through, and who knew I'd have to pay for
everything i have done, up until now there's been no sorrow
but right now i'm the one in pain, minutes to midnight; or am I dreaming
I'd follow you into the deepest corners to find just what I need now;
hold hands high and no more reliance on the silly things
water down on my face again, the rain isn't going to stop
it always comes at the best time, washing away all the cares I have
I'd follow you into anything, and you used to be my discretion
now it's just the freedom of expression, hold my hand in yours
turn off the lights and pretend sleep; turn off the world for the night
my heart keeps beating though everyone tries so hard to fight me
make me ill with fear, and turn me into the monster; when I could never let
alone a perfect person like you, just close your eyes and they'll disappear
I wanted to be my own perfection, but everything I did was misdirected
mislead, and I want to apologize for being so genuine
somehow I got caught up in the truth of what i'm feeling
trying to be someone else is harder than it seems; it's fine
you can regain my trust with love and promises; in my eyes it's not the truth thats in the way
the only thing that is worse than that is how everything I want to say
gets lost on the way, how do I stop pretending
the only thing thats worse than life is life without you

Breathing, Breaking through

You've got to understand that it's a hard thing, that I'm going through
when daylight falls, in everyone's eyes I see you
and that's when I slip up, and my life gets kinda crazy
I find myself around different people, just wanting one of my own
I'll make up for it, sometime
I need love to hold me up, cause it's kinda too hard to bear
just lips against mine, don't matter whose
all I think about is you
just my hips pressed against the wall
all I'm thinking about is you
and these days I spend awry, I'll make up for it
sometime
when the night falls, in the stars I see your eyes
and that's when I tear up, and my head gets so foggy
I'm so sick of thinking about you
just these hands hold everything
but other hands
I'm so sick of dreaming about you
and these days I spent holding back
I'm now breaking through

Never Say Never

Sitting on the porch steps, I'm finally here
This feels like home, to me
hair flowin, in the wind; the sky up here is a little bluer
I'm finally at home and I see
how the grass is so much greener from our side, and cameras lie
I don't know why you're where you are
But I know, that you're not here and the nights feel so much colder
I'm just a girl, with a guitar
Keepin on tellin you, how much I love you inside and out
I grew up in this house, and I know how love feels;
cause these eyes can clearly see how much life has changed
since you've been gone, and if you knew how happy you are making me
I never knew I'd love anyone like this
It feels like home to me

What i'd give to make you coffee, find out how you like your eggs
sitting on the porch steps, what I'd give to leave here
Because baby, you feel like home, to me
Hair flowin' in the western winds; the sky over there seems so much bluer
I'm finally losing it and I see
how the grass is so much greener from our side, and cameras lie
I don't know why I'm where I am
But I know, that you're not here, and I got questions, baby why?
I could be that girl, and you could be that boy
Who keeps on telling me, that giving anything might as well be nothing at all
What i'd give to let you love me, cause these eyes can clearly see
how much life can still change
Since I met you, I've found out what that feeling is
and oh, what's the story
I never thought I'd dream like this
It feels just right, to me.

Sitting on the porch steps, waiting for a sign to show
it's so easy to get lost in this limelight
hair flowin, in the winds of time; and the sky is just a little lighter than these eyes
I'm just that girl, with her guitar
Keepin on tellin you, what i'd give
Cause it feels just right, come home to me.

Made up my mind

Forgive me, now. I'm going to be truthful, for

once in my life, somehow.

I'd lie for you, find a way to fly to you

If you only told me what to do

How to wake up in the morning, how to

keep on with this day to day dreary life

How to forget the best thing that ever happened to me

I'm stuck believing what it means to let someone in

You've seen a side of me, that nobody knows

and at one point I didn't think I knew either

I'd search forever just to bring you home

to me, but you know that, don't you

I've made up my mind

to love you, not to forget you

Give up my time, just to spend a few more moments

before you get on that plane

and break new ground

You know I'd wait for you

I want my heart back

So I can love you all over again
So I can kiss your cheek when you're asleep
or when you burn the food, when you lost at poker,
or when you've gone and done it all wrong,
so I can smile and close my eyes
and remember all the happy moments we might have had
I want my heart back,
Just so I can feel alive again
so I can look into your eyes and see me, looking back at you
kiss your lips and life will end as we know it
and when we're upset, so I can cry and close my eyes
hold your pillow and pretend you're home with me
Falling apart without you, I'm admitting
I'm only strong cause we were always that way, through everything
You were my shoulder, my tissue and my Ray of sunshine.
So, If you see my heart tumbling around out there
could you please fed-ex it to me
I really could use it, when the leaves fall and the sky grows dark
The wind really does feel colder without you.
Signed, truly, always, yours..
Lady.

I Miss You, Dad.

Sometimes I write; put pen to paper, finger to key
It gets out in words when I can't speak
I try so hard to be strong,
and sometimes I just can't
So sometimes I tear up, punch the wall, slam the door
I can't express whats going on inside of me
So sometimes I write

You took things way too far
Left me to live here, without money or a car
Still no job, a few friends whom I love
But nothing compares, to the life I left behind
It was comfort, it was home
but now all I smell is smoke
The floors never look clean, and there's always things to buy
I never have enough money, and the bills stack up on the table

Why couldn't you have stayed, just for awhile
just enough so I could.... I dont even know
You claimed that life was ending, that slowness broke your heart
Pembroke was this small town, and your home was so far
But in the end it was mine that was lost,
and now I'm the one picking up the pieces.

No hot water; dishes lie everywhere
ants crawl and annoy
the summer heat calms enough to let me sleep
and I can wait until July
I just wish this Adult life was easier
that I would take it more serious
that I wasn't so caught up in trying to experience
that little girl-hood that I miss so much
that childhood that I wanted so much
and now I'm the one, who's gotta toughen up, lighten up

Its hard to forget the person you love most in the world
when you have nothing to do all day, but paint and contemplate
And reading barely calms my busy mind enough to enjoy the words
I just want to feel happy again, like we did last summer
Eyes well with tears, I miss you, my father.

It Takes You Back

Another oldie that I enjoy re-reading.

Kicking cans on side streets
the smell of summer plays with your hair
a double jump to avoid stepping on cracks
Trying to remember when life wasn't so complicated
No jobs, no degrees, no boyfriends who didn't call
I used to just sit in silence
and enjoy the sweetness of cold breath on skin
I drink to youth, to living as a child
Paint to canvas; bow to violin
Brush that little curl of red hair behind my ear
It takes me back, to love
when it didn't hurt to smile, and just friends
was all we were
Now I'm confused, and trying to piece together
nights of Phils and walks home...

Love hurts, but sometimes its a good hurt
It reminds you you're alive; it transcends the bad things
(without love you can't survive)
Old songs, like the blare of a radio on a dock;
I miss the lakes, the rivers of Old Ontario;
Home hurts, but sometimes you can't go back
And you spin around and around
but don't fall down
It takes me back, to times I thought were better
lying on the beach, I thought you'd replace me
with co-workers, and cohorts;

Last summer, I was always,
always wishing for life to start happening,
well, it did. Here I am, standing here
Waiting for someone to just tell me
that it's going to be a good summer

Faded like a Dead Star

I wrote this one awhile ago on Facebook but decided to republish it here, because it's less poetry like and more prose. It's one of my favorites.

I always pause those cute movies at the best parts. I try to relive the moment, over and over again; maybe then the feeling of being a zombie will wash away and I'll start to breathe again. Maybe I pick up the paintbrush, make a few strokes on the canvas and begin to smile again. But it doesn't happen. When you left that night you took everything with you, all of it. You took my laugh, my smile, my beating heart and every single happy memory is now shrouded with guilt. What did I say to make you want this? What could I have done differently?

I pretend that it never happened but then I can hear it in your voice. You won't love me. I try to be that manipulative person, but it doesn't work. You're impenetrable to the darkest of guises, the worst of tricks. So I play the according music and hang my head low. I try to recover, I try to move on. But, part of me doesn't want to. Part of me keeps looking backwards instead of forwards, and in the end all I want to do is hope: that you'll call and tell me to catch the next bus in.

It never happens. Night after night of staring at the ceiling, the stars, the voile panels shifting in the wind of the fan... you never call. You probably would if I told you to, but what would I say? I don't know how to react anymore, because I don't ever want to be just friends. And really, that's probably all we'll ever be. I'm a goofy person, I make mistakes. The biggest mistake of our relationship is that it never happened. That I never said anything sooner. That I said something at all.

I play artist for awhile. I put on a mask, my makeup reminiscent of high school: the last time my world fell through. I put too much faith in you, too much stock into a failing company. I pulled the wrong block and let it all come falling down. And the worst part of it all is that it's still falling: I refuse to rebuild or repair, I want to wallow in this pain. Feeling low and down is better than feeling nothing. For years I haven't felt anything other than short bouts of giddy with short bouts of guilt. I thought happiness was within grasp, but it wasn't.

Numbness is followed by realization, realization followed by pain. Pain seeps through back to numbness. It's grief, it's guilt and too much caffeine. I wish I could tell you what's going on inside my head. I don't think you're ready for that, though. I would never know what to do to make you happy, because I can't even make myself happy. I could never have a relationship with you because I'd just bring you down, and make you into a sullen, contemplative man.

I keep staring into the mirror beside me. Not because I like what I see. I don't know who is staring back at me. I've lost that self-awareness, the self-as both object-subject (shut up Sartre) that I've come to enjoy.. All I see is someone who looks so sad, so upset, but won't ever realize how beautiful the world is
and how many people around her love and care for her. All she wants is to fade away. It's like a little light being blown out, and she's waiting for someone to light it back up again.

I'm fine. I'm honestly fine. I've never felt better in my whole life. But that goes without saying. Pain followed by more pain. I'll never understand why loneliness is such a hateful thing, or why I can't seem to make myself feel better. Meek smiles brought by walks through parks and green trees; awkward laughter brought by the best of friends and comedy, but there's always something missing.
It sure as hell can't be you.

I refuse to let you think you broke me. I'm better than that. It's the thought of you that did. The thrill, the thought of somehow finding that someone who is exactly like me in almost every way, that thrill is what broke my heart in the end. It collapsed and died, and my will along with it.

I guess I'm in repair, again. It brings sense to the expression new and improved, it brings a little life back into my eyes. It's just getting over that hurdle of the will; the self-destructive piteous will that refuses to let you go. Like you let me go.

I`m cool, I`m calm, I`m going to be okay.

Course Registrations!

Oh LORIS, how I hate thee. Loris stands for Laurier Online Registration and Information System. It's the website/server the school uses to register for courses, release grades and other lovely info. It crashes every year, several times a year when all the students of a particular year and faculty try to register all at once.

Tonight's case is third year arts majors, which includes me. I have a double major to register for, so that means twice the important courses, and twice the headache. If my departments didn't give overrides, I don't know what I'd do; luckily for me they do!

Logging on is not even the problem, it's getting into the add/drop area. I'm already logged in just to be sure, cause everyone logs on about this time. It's 11:52 right now and the hold is dropped at midnight (sometimes 3 mins early, hopefully tonight will be one of those nights).

It's almost like a treasure hunt, too. Looking for that course only to find it's a) not offered, b) not offered at the time listed on the main site, or c) full. All of these are just major impertinences to the average student, but when you're me it's even worse. I have two majors to register for tonight. Both of which aren't too popular (cultural studies and philosophy), but they have made a lot of cuts to class sizes and sections offered so it will be even harder to get what you want.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Longs to be held

I think I just realized I'm deeply messed up in the head.

No I know, it's probably not something new, but something I just came across.

I'm one of the few females that walk this earth that truly, truly loves themselves. Inside and out. I'm not stick-thin, I'm not perfect; in my eyes I don't demand perfection. I only give my best and that is what I have to offer. If that's not acceptable then you're not acceptable to me.

This kind of love comes off as cockiness, elitism, narcissism, but more often than not just plain conceit. I'm not like that. I love myself because despite all the change and hurt and heartbreak in the world, its the only thing I can control (most of the time). I wouldn't even call myself confident. I'm deeply flawed like most, and with that comes some self-esteem issues. But the fact that I love myself just because I can control my actions is not what makes self-love possible. Self-love comes from years of appreciating the works and the parts of our body and what they can produce. I love my thighs because they can push a bike further or run further than most can. I love my feet because they keep me stable, and so on and so forth. Each part of me serves a purpose, especially my brain. (probably the most valuable)

But beneath all this self-love and confidence (sorta) is a lot of longing. I'm a sucker for long-term relationships, simply because I've never had a stable one. I miss hugs and being held, simply because I never was.

Lesson here: beneath every strong, confident woman is a little girl who grew up too fast.

Runner's High

Foot pounding pavement, heart pounding chest

Breathe in, Breathe out

All my worries and thoughts seem to float away

with each breath, with each step

A runner's high is addictive

It takes pain and perseverance to find

But the happiness that floods your sore muscles

Is beyond anything you can describe

Sweat drips and your skin becomes shiny

Your body labours under the humidity, hanging around you

Running is that love-hate relationship

You try to let go, but the road keeps finding you

Post-shower you feel,

As though your muscles could take more

You lay down to rest down on the cold floor

maybe the bed becomes your sanctuary, until morning come

Muscles ache, breath labours

And then you realize, why running isn't fun.

Coldplay and Cold Shoulders

I wish I knew why you were ignoring me, or if you weren't why it looks like you are. I knew things would have to change between us for this whole friendship to work now, but I desperately miss the old fun times we spent watching playoffs or playing xbox. Its the thoughts now, that remind me that those times were all in lieu of what happened that night. I just want things to be the way they used to.

I'm sick of turning this story into a novel, and I'm even more sick of the heart pangs that come every time I think I see you with her on the street. What am I supposed to say to her? Act normal and smile, like I would had I seen her before?

I'm not sad, or regretful. I'm worried, that the best thing I've done in a long time might cost me a really good friend. It's the voice inside my head that has turned into yours, whispering things I'd rather not hear again for awhile. Little do you know the history I have...

Things will work out, I promise. Just make sure this doesn't happen again, unless you plan on spending your future cleaning up after me, and making me feel like a princess.

Hahaha, yeah. Really.

Nothing could come between us

Between us girls, we find the best of times and make the worst of times better. Nothing could come between us; we do our best to find the positive in breakups, to bring that friend back to her old self again. But what happens when you are that friend to so many people, guys and girls alike; but you can't seem to remember the last time someone was there for you?

This is a tale of hurt, in short. I can't really say I have a best friend. I'm always inbetween friends, or when I do have that special BFF, it's usually (historically speaking) a guy. Guys don't like hearing or comforting girls unless they love them, and this kind of love is more of a bromance between me and my buddy.

It's a difficult thing to realize, that you're on your own, and alone. And maybe I am refusing it, maybe I refuse the help from friends that have that potential to be my best friend or confidante...

But I wouldn't know, because when you're down, you realize who those true friends are; and all the "bffs" in the world wouldn't be able to beat that.

See More...

So, I just found out from a friend on facebook that apparently my status updates are "depressing and sad as shit".

I guess I shouldn't be spilling my personal life on the internet, but really in all honesty I thought that this one time was the exception. Maybe the person these updates were pertaining to would see them, and would make a point to be less of an asshole. I guess I was wrong in hoping people can change. I'm not depressed, or sad as shit, either. I'm actually quite happy. I've loved and lost, instead of just losing, for once. Even though I may have lost one of my closest friends in the process, I know now that he knows how I feel about him.

All that matters is feeling better about the situation. Not the fact that I may or may not have made a complete idiot of myself on the most public website out there.

Last Three

These are the last three facebook notes I have written. If you want the full collection, I'm thinking of having it compiled into a book (there's over 300) soon enough so you might get it as a gift, or you can just visit my facebook page. They should be (but I'm not 100% sure) public -- if not, then I'll make them public as soon as someone tells me otherwise (told you I'm lazy)

Enjoy.

It's beginning to get to me - 18th June

I could be happy
I hope you are,
You've made me happier, than I've been, by far
Somehow I've made that decision to fall
Somehow it's all not true.
I could do the things I always wanted to
without you there to hold me back
dont think; just do.
More than anything I want to, see you
right now; I can't hold my breath any longer
I can't keep living in pain
and creating drama to feel something if anything
Please don't let this turn into something its not
I can only give you everything I got
I've lost all faith in love and that feeling
is so foreign to me I wouldn't know it
except I see it, more than I'd like to
more than I'd like to know that everyone around me
is happy, and smiling
I'm alone, me against the world.
Nobody ever said I had to be like this
But nobody ever told me I'd be on my own this fast
falling so hard, tripping over my own feet, my own words
I don't know what to do anymore
I feel like a stranger to my own friends
in my own home
Exhausted, I fall asleep to the rhythm of my heartbeat
I can't even cry
A joy for my pillowcase; I lay down on the floor
I pray that there's another day ahead for me
to find solace in the sunlight
but rain, comes and clouds my memory
with thoughts of you and hopes
that I won't wake up in a cold sweat
but that I won't wake up at all.

Tears and Rain - 17th June

Wasn't quite sure when I woke this morning
Where I was, what went on, or what you were thinking
But the sounds of breathing in and out, the rain,
the 9 going by... constantly
I guess it's time I ran; far far away, find comfort in pain
Cause it just keeps on coming
Wasn't quite sure what to say
so I left, before you could wake

It was the shortest walk, but I couldn't get home fast enough
tore off the clothes, the bitter taste of confusion
I couldn't quite decipher what went on
I'm so cold, from the rain

I just wanted him to know I loved him
fell far away, down to the floor
Couldn't be enough, so I came to you,
So I came to you, and you took me in
with every breath, with every laugh
It kept me from trouble; but now it's the thought
the smile on my face, that I had it all for a moment
I close my eyes and relive seconds worth of happy
and Fall far away, sink back into oblivion


Feet pound pavement, eyes drain the rest of this rain
It's always been just me here
Friends like passing cracks in the sidewalk
1, 2, 3, breathe.
I'm all I have now; and I don't need you
1, 2, 3, breathe.
Another day, another shower
another line on a page.

Warning Sign - June 14th

Come on in, I gotta tell you what a state I'm in
Gotta tell you in my loudest tones, that I started looking for a warning sign.


I just realized how long I've been hurting, and the truth is: I miss you. I used to cry on my way home, after you walked me past your car. I used to wonder if you intentionally parked there to get those few more minutes in with me before driving home. This was my warning sign

I remember the moment I realized you were going to be important to me. About two hours after we met, after so many conversations, about everything. I realized that you could be the best thing that ever happened to me. This was my warning sign

Time after time. Running into you, accidentally and sometimes in ways even so far out there I wondered if I was crazy. I'd leave, randomly. I'd see you and be so sure... It was so strange. Now I'm tired, and I just want those moments back. That was my warning sign

I should have said something. When you signed the papers, when you asked for my number, when you let me out of your car, when you called me when I was crying.
But I didn't.

You're everywhere, and a part of everything I do. It's impossible not to think of you.
Shouldn't have ignored the warning signs.

Grudges

I'm not one for them, but I hold them. Its a trait about myself that I dislike. When you cross me, you'll find that I never forget it. When you make an inappropriate comment, I won't stop thinking about it until its permeated in my brain.

It's why I can't get over past relationships. I tend to think too much about what was said instead of concentrating on what is now over and starting fresh. I have breaks of enlightenment when I realize that yeah, I must move on, but most of it is just over-thinking.

Whenever you say something to me as a joke or as a curt comment, remember, I'm probably thinking about it hours from now. Remember that I'll probably also write about it later.

I love remotes

They're called remote controls, (not converters) and I love them. I am probably one of the laziest beings to crawl this fine earth and I enjoy the simple luxuries when I have them. The one I enjoy the most-- at least at this moment I do- is the remote control. I recently installed an air conditioner in the window in my bedroom (as 30+ degrees Celsius weather is not prime for sleeping) and it came with a remote. To my joy I am able to turn it off, on, up or down from my bed, and even attach it magnetically to my bed frame. What a wonderful invention.

Of course, the worst part about these useful things is that since they're usually sleek and small they're so easy to lose! SOOO easy to lose! Usually they're lost in the most obvious of places (inside the couch, in your father's back pocket, underneath the bed... but yet there is a market for replacement universal remotes, so people are lazy enough that they replace it rather than finding it.

Another downside to the remote control is the fact these babies require batteries. Batteries, of course, being those little chemical-filled thingies that end up polluting precious groundwater and end up in landfills... and even when they are recycled, it requires a tremendous amount of energy to transform them into new things. Best to use rechargeables!

I know what you're thinking: "You're whining about people throwing out batteries when you're using an air conditioner in a room less than 200 sq-ft?"

Yeah, I am. And you know why? Because lowering the temperature a few degrees in a room uses a LOT less energy than cooling the entire house, and even more less than trying to run a swimming pool. If you have other ideas on how to keep cool please share! I used to be running a fan non-stop in the room but it was still ungodly hot in here at night.

I'm an insomniac already, I don't need help from the heat!

But about those remote controls... now they're handy.

First Blog Post.... ever.

I always knew I'd start writing a blog; it was only a matter of time before my insomnia got the best of me. It's a great way to release whatever is on my mind for the world to see and maybe even enjoy, maybe even learn from. Whatever trials and tribulations I go through are just the daily grind I experience being me, and to be honest I'm not seeking attention or advice by writing about whatever pains me. I enjoy writing as it serves as that release; it serves as a way for my mind to mesh music and emotion into text. I hope you enjoy reading whatever I spew out on here.

Thanks much, and take care

Calendar Girl