Day 13-14-15...

I don't plan on writing for awhile. I want all this drama out of my life. Although there are few things more satisfying than hearing the loud clickety-clack of the keyboard in the fury of the night, I don't think it's healthy to continue to dwell on someone that can't give me what I need.

That goes for all of you. You, who couldn't give me a good, mutual friendship. You, who can't decide to love me as a friend or as his everything. You, who can't give me the time of day but has shown me what love feels like.

I just don't want to lie awake at night anymore, staring at the ceiling. I don't want to cry in the shower. I don't want to contemplate the possibilities, of all of you reconciling with me. I don't want my happiness to be based in other people's hands, either. So I'm taking the step and going to eliminate you from my life.

Not that we all won't be friends, we will. Just that you'll have to find your way back into my heart as though none of this ever happened. I won't fall for you unless you make me. So please don't.

I'll keep searching, for that person who can make me feel alive again. Until then, I'll be that zombie girl drinking gallons of coffee singing at the top of her lungs in the middle of the night... painting beautiful b/w art.

I love you all, but I really can't handle it anymore.

Day 12, part two

I really can't stand you

You parade yourself around like everyone is looking at you.

Well, damaged teenage queen, they're not

If they are, it's because they feel sorry for you

You're rather large, and your clothes do not do you justice

Strapping your breasts in like that only makes you look confined, like

a sumo wrestler in a life jacket

I'm falling off life support, now that I know what you really are

Damaged, damaged, damaged

You can't get out of bed in the morning, and it doesn't end there

You can't let me be better than you

When you knew all along I was

It started off so well, but here we are

And you're not talking to me, don't you see? It's your loss

Because you're still living the 'life' I left behind

and I'm better than that, yeah.

I really am better than that, drinking and eating junk

torturing your body

So, my friend, or I so thought you were until last week

When there's nothing left to burn

I hope you set yourself on fire

Day 11-12

I feel as though I lost a day, then I realize I did.

I'm in that half-awake state. It's laundry day and I had to wake up ridiculously early. Not that I mind a good sunrise, but the whole idea of getting out of bed shortly after getting into it really sucks. No amount of coffee is waking me. I'm on my second pot, and I've already showered and dressed. I'm on load 2 in the dryer, load three is waiting.

This morning is horrible. It seems as though the entire world saddens me. I've cried carelessly over countless things, from thinking about my Dad dying, to my dog dying, to me dying. Why do I even put myself through that kind of torture is beyond me.

I have a hot cup before me. The air conditioner is running steady as is the fan. It's very humid today and I simply cannot handle it. The nails on my left hand are longer than my right and are making a delightful clicking sound when I type.

The landlord is giving the house to his son, and the appraiser is coming on friday. I'm not looking forward to another early morning, but I gotta do what I gotta do. At least I have plenty of notice so I can keep the place decently clean until then.

I'm rambling, ridiculously enough after four cups of coffee I still could pop back into bed. Caffeine has little to no affect on me anymore.

I'll find out later if that's true.

Day 10, part two

Not exactly the way I pictured things would all end

Where do you go, when I leave?

Driving down, flying about

Does she make you happier than I did?

I'd come in, with the tide

with the leatherbound books and stripes

If you needed me, you know I'd be there

in a heartbeat

Not exactly the best way to say goodbye

I can't just let go like this

Heart lies fleeting, tears keep streaming

All I wanted was someone who loved me back

If you needed me, you know I'd come in

when life got busy all you wanted was somebody

and I wasn't there

So tell me, so I can finally see

why you're living a lie

Day 10, part one

Sinking sleeping darkness.
I'm not a film-star beauty, or a centrefold; I hope you don't sigh

I hope you just come back

Planes, trains and automobiles

nothing will take me to you; I waited for an hour

but finally gave up. I keep thinking I see you

I guess it's not meant to be

I was so sure it was you, but I wasn't meant to see

Sinking waking light

Is it you, or is it me?

I hope we fall, twirling back into daylight

Pianos, toes and fingertips touch

nothing will break me, I waited and cried

but finally, broke free

I guess we're not meant to see

I was so sure It was you, but I wasn't meant to be

Is it you, or me...

Day 9

Shh. I kinda miss you.

I hate to admit my insecurities, but you know all of them

You know the ins and outs to being me

Every inch of my body, or as it was that day

my smile, how my nose crinkles when I laugh

and I miss that knowing, that understanding face

But it hurts to know, that when you get back

I won't be the same

and neither will you; you'll be the stag

hardened by the winter, changed by love

will we let eachother in?

Donne-moi ton coeur, que je criais, mon amour

Je te n'obliera jamais.

You're Beautiful

I see you, from time to time. But then again, you're always there. Watching yourself in the mirror. Going faster, working harder. Pushing yourself to the limit. Nothing will ever been good enough. I watch you fade away from blue to grey, and I watch your eyes fade. I see the blood and happiness drain from you. You've become fake, false but flawless. Well, almost. In your eyes you are always a work in progress. You push for that extra kilometre, that extra 200 calories. You have no idea how much you've lost. In time, in inches. You have become the one thing you hated. Addicted.

But I give you a smile, a reassuring glance. You are beautiful, in every way. Your hair falls around your face like a halo. You can be anything you want to be, and you chose this? They all watch you workout, they all see the determination. You're ambitious. Why are you doing this?

You've become a slave to the design. You're soulless.

The music takes over. Blares in your ears, drowns out my voice in your head. All you see is the open road beyond that gym TV screen. For 30 minutes the world goes away. They stop bothering you, they stop calling you names. The silence is deafening. The music drives you on, keeps you pushing harder each day. The loss is the side-effect. The pain is a resistance. An obstacle to be overcome. Your life has become a marathon, and you're only in training. The hardest part has yet to come. Facing him, facing his big brown eyes for the last time.

You look in the mirror, and I stare back at you. In that second you realize who I am. I am you, crying, screaming for you to stop. But you won't, not until you've been drained so empty that the numbness sets back in. 1,2,3...breathe.

Day 8

you

looking up to me, lost out on love this time

the blue glow, from eyes or hair

down here, the humidity hangs high

tired souls and burnt out lights

turned on the tv, but nothing's on this time of night

Limits pressed, and somewhere out there

you're slipping from my grip, how can this be

your eyes a permanent memory embedded

I hope you remember, I hope you never forget

never fade away

I'm

just a memory now, falling back to sleep

rain beating against the windows of the greyhound bus

I know you're out there

your touch a distant clutch on my heart

falling out of reach

falling back to me

out of touch with the world

I fall back to sleep

Day 7

We are an empire, my dear

You're the last thing on my mind

Lets just pretend, and give me a second go

Rain falls.

Like little bullets of water, pummeling my hair, softening my skin

How can you love me, when I'm this far away

I guess, I can only hope that the rain never stops

washes away the thoughts of possibility

all I wanted to know;

and thunder, come silence my screams

like little cries out in the night, before it's too late

how can you save me, when I'm not in that light

Don't let me go, but remember me

when your hands are on her

you'll want to give me a second go

my dear, we just build

then we break

Don't let me go, you saw me falling first

give me a second go

Days 3 through 6

The past few days have been crazy. Shopping, more shopping, intermittent with fights and highs of fitting into smaller sizes. I never thought I'd be a 12 again, anytime soon.

I guess that we focus our lives about being this perfection we cannot achieve. It's such a useless plight we set up for ourselves, as well. Eat, shit, gain. Shit.

I guess I've let jealousy take a hold of me. I'm angry that you're not jealous of my new body, I'm jealous of Krista and the fact she's taken a hold on someone who has my heart, I'm jealous of Kate for standing in my way.

I'm the kind of person with ambition up the yingyang. I get what I want, because I fight for it. Jealousy has gotten in my way, and it's getting on my nerves. The only thing I have been fighting for that has come my way is the weight loss, and that is slow and surely coming, but key word being slow, there.

Day 6 ends with a slow walk and ice cream shop. I miss my guy friends. I'm sick of acting like a girl...

Day 2

The attack on my self-esteem is raging. You and everyone else just needs to stop. I'm egotistical but flawed just like everyone else. Just because I have confidence doesn't mean I'm an attention whore. I worked hard to get to this point and I'm going to keep on working hard. You can't stop me. I'm not obsessed, I'm determined.

But right now, I'm fading. I just want to crawl into a ball and express every bottled up emotion I could ever feel. I'm no longer numbed out, I'm angry, I'm sad.

I'm really pissed off at you, right now. I can't believe you'd say something like that. This is not a diary, but it's looking like one right now.

I hit the gym this AM so that Grand Bend wouldn't have to suffer tomorrow, and you saw that as part of an addiction. Just because I'm doing something you could never do, doesn't mean it's wrong.

Day 1

Times have changed, and I thought I'd be different. I became a woman too early, I think; it's not that I developed early, or even wanted to be feminine in that way early, but that I was forced into maturity at a young age. At the age of 8, I decided to become an adult. My parents always called me "thirteen going on thirty" even when I wasn't thirteen. I never wanted to be thirty, I just wanted to be treated with the respect I deserved. The respect that came with taking care of your brother, your mother, and even at times your father. When food was not on the table, I put it there. When cleaning and laundry was to be done, I did it. I complained, as to be sure a child would, but things got done. I lost an important part of my life, but I am forever thankful I know how to live as an adult better than most adults.

This unfortunate time of my life has spawned a strong attachment between me and my father, for he would do everything I couldn't do or didn't have the (reasonably so) time to do. As I was a budding scholar, set to go to McGill at the age of 12 or rather wanting to go there when the time came, I had a lot of work to do along with my house chores. I didn't have time for boys, and boys didn't want me. I was gangly, with oddly coloured hair for my skin tone. I didn't smile a lot because I spent most of my childhood depressed or missing teeth. I didn't know what happy was.

But now, now I am grown up, I have time to play. With blue hair, and blue eyes my adult life has given me the blessings of love and friendship as well as plentiful studies. While I may not have gone to McGill, Laurier has been a great substitution and I have chosen Boston to go to for law come 2013. I'm always one step ahead of my future, and I guess being particular (overtly perhaps) has its perks. I just haven't found them yet.

But after all is said and done, and all has been thought through over and over again, I'm sitting here, alone on a Friday night while the people I care about are off sleeping with people they care about. All is well and balanced, but yet I always feel as though something's missing in my life. I sing, I write, I paint and do all kinds of crazy things to my body and my hair but yet I feel as though I have yet to find that one thing that makes my heart beat fast. Well, faster than level 4 on the elliptical, three days a week.

I`ve been lost, for a while, you see. These days I`ve just had more time to think about it. After finally getting into a career path which is a lot more in line with what I want to do and love, I feel as though that door is closed and another one has opened. I'm not sure what I'd do if all fell through, except cry.

Day 1 is the start of a new life. A new beginning, where the old one left off. I've never tried to be something I'm not, and I'm not going to start. I'm just going to start realizing whats going wrong, and start fixing it. Maybe.

Empty Shells

Rolling, thunder and lightening; will you think of me?

Times I've told you, to sit down and shut up

Why I had to stay lonely, why I had to reason

Twinkling candles, and christmas lights in July

Was it just the season? Hot weather, I'm a hot mess

Sweat, and tanned fingertips press

but the rain won't wash you away,

the thoughts keep ringing out in the night

like chiggers, and crickets alike

Times I've tried, to forget that time

why I had to come down here

and turn you on, time and time again

Like the cold heart, that's been so dark

Since you've been long gone, and away

but this time, time won't heal all wounds

Cause I've got a hankering for something more

and you're the only one who gives it like you do

Times I've tried, I've melted like ice

why I had to call you over,

and close the door, lock it behind you

I'm an empty shell of a woman, grown cold by lust

and tired, and explicitly disturbed

can't get enough, and I'll find it anywhere

This feeling, I've been hiding...

dahh dee dahh.

Much too early

So it seems, that my neighbour (downstairs) has class every afternoon; this is why I have to do my laundry at 8am when I'd VERY much rather be sleeping. But that's alright. Tomorrow morning I only run 8k, no big deal.

This whole sleep exhaustion --sleeping in until noon thing-- has got to stop for me. Although I'm not even sleeping in all that much (mostly 8-10 hrs total) I feel so tired, and ridiculously enough I do know that oversleeping causes you to feel worse.

It's not even that, I think. It's the fact I fell asleep thinking about you, for once (in a while).

Or maybe it's that I just really don't like getting up this early.

Whatever it is, I'm sure I'll overcome it. In the meantime: Aghhhh

Zed's dead..... Baby.

Silence floods the coolness of my bedroom.

Your kisses, reign over the humidity

What will become of us; what will be

When the cello stops humming

and the birds cease to sing, softly

my heart will cease to beat.

Light tingles against my eyelids

burning, burning the candle's soft glow

showers me in a warmth of scent and light

What will motivate me when you're gone,

and the winter's cold arms surround me

capturing my heart with each snow

my heart will be lost in white

Hope forces me to wake

like a pain in my chest, an ache

I rise and I fall, come in to the shoreline

What will give my heart reason to go on

when the only thing that ever mattered

is miles away, and lost to another's charms

my eyes, blink away tears

they're all for you

my heart, lost forever

my love, gone with you.

Starlight

You were my Starlight; and I just wanted

to hold, you in my arms

That's all I ever really wanted

And I had it, every time

Questions unanswered, a bubble in my throat

I wanted to cry, it would never be enough.

Inside, a child

she lets herself be at ease,

you can't pretend like she can

Soon, you'll see how it ends

You were my galaxy; truth and beauty

in the light, shining down on me

in truth, in pure and honest eyes

I saw myself, looking back at you

My heart stopped.

I want you back.

Now.

But I can't have you, because you chose a work life

over this life.

I can't answer my own question

so I'll never ask it

I know you'll make someone happy

I just wanted it to be me.

Just a few chords, anything will do

something to get me through this night

piano, guitar

Starlight.

I'll believe, in you (Hope)

I feel as though when you leave a part of me will cease to be

As though a petal, falls from what once was a rose

I won't cry tears for you

I'll cry memories.

I'll believe in a story, a fantasy I conjured up in my head

of perfect love and harmony; a romance

A novel I may write, someday or somehow

I won't tell a soul how I feel

I'll love you forever, lost anyway

I'll learn theory, practise and hide in more books

upon your return I don't know who you'll be

I'll still remain here, in study and in pain

All moral, ethical behaviour we sought to blame

It's such a shame, that we couldn't continue

I'll turn elitist, for awhile as always happens

Become better than I once was, because of you

I'll lie awake in bed at night, stare at the ceiling bugs

and hope.

Hope is a cauldron I cannot stir

a lying being I cannot swindle

sing though, I must for my voice

is all I have and once had

was you, for hope is what brought me

together.

Sometimes alone is all you ever feel

Confusion, delusion.

Tonight is one night I really don't want to be alone.

Heartbroken, why is that you want more?

Would you just lie with me, forget the world

forget what happened, but no

You're with her, you're with the one thing

that could go wrong; the one thing that I wish you didn't have

and as I think, and query about your future

I wish I was a part of it.

I'm far too pathetic to ask, you'll never see me again

after this, and I will cease to remember

how your heartbeat felt against me;

and how your fingers intertwined with mine

let me feel, for one moment

safe.

Tonight, around the town

The snow flakes, fall into my hair

something in the way the moon hits your face

makes you look like a different person

it seems, that you just want to be

someone's everything

and maybe, I could just wait a little while longer

and nobody wants to be alone, but

maybe I could just make it happen, for me

as long as someday, someone doesn't take that away

always happens, always happens

Those moon beams, light reflects off my

blue, blue eyes;

and something in the way you looked tonight

makes you believe

and doesn't everyone believe, that once in awhile

they find that relief for their war, raging on inside

oh emptiness is my everything

slow dancing, in a burning room; just a few more chords

to make me go crazy, sway, sway

and the night will talk me to sleep.

The sunlight, beats down upon my little freckled nose

this is the storm before the calm

it's just that I've been working on; holding you like I want to

and maybe sometime I'll find out who that 'you' is supposed to be

you were the one I always dreamed of

how dare you say it's nothing to me; I'll make the most of it

because this nothingness,

makes me cry out in the night

moan your name as I sleep

and smile for no reason.

But, no matter of sun moon or snow can make me follow you.

Please tell me you're hurting

Cause I'm hurting too

You're not in this, not for me.

Leave, leave me alone

Paralysed, hypnotised like the silence of my heartbeat

pounding against my chest

Your words like little bells ringing in my ears

You're not in this, for you, aren't you.

You come here everyday, I see you here

and you run and run and run

until your heart gives way to breathless and tears

30 minutes, pass.

miles, and miles. Who cares about him now?

Leave me.

Leave me run.

My life, forever changed

I sit before a bottle of developer and powder bleach. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and seeing someone I dont know. It's not the best method of achieving perfection, but at this point I really don't care.

I knew from the moment I popped those pills my life would never be the same. Piercings, then the clothing changed, then the hair... I took a three year hiatus but I realized it wasn't who I was.

When I got my tattoos I felt on top of the world. I was finally identifiable. I was finally getting closer to being me.

I want to wake up to purple hair. I want to wake up to your face.

I know that I can only control so much in my life before it gets senseless.

So here goes all hell.

Point to prove: happy endings do not exist

I'm not sure how to begin after such an illustrious comment, but here goes: Happy endings, in that the two involved parties end up together and happy (success stories in short), do not exist for myself and furthermore do not exist in the reality that is my life. I have never come across a happy ending, and I doubt I'll ever get one of my own.

It's not that I settle for second best, it's that I compulsively over-analyse, drive people away with my weird unsettling antics and constant sarcasm, and generally hate the world. Until I find someone equally as hateful, but somehow learn to love these quirks and qualms that others seem to hate about me, I doubt my happy ending exists.

It's not either, that I would change myself for this supposed fate. I doubt, very highly in fact, that I would even want this ending if I were approached with it. A happy ending is the American dream, the 2 kids, car and house in the suburbs... isn't it?

My happy ending is not in the least alike that of most. I just want someone, even a friend; a constant companion who appreciates me for who I am and continues to grow with me as I age. I want modest possessions, and nothing more than I need or could consume. I want to live green, as green as possible without being a squatter in the woods. And most of all, I want that romance, that ridiculous romance I read about almost everyday.

Its apparently a lot to ask for: an intellectual equal (not that I'm that conceited about myself), someone who I can have heated (in a non-aggressive manner) arguments with, someone who simply shares my ideals, or at least enough of them not to cause major conflicts..

I'm not a complex person, I'm not the kind of girl who runs around trying to find a guy actively seeking the perfect man, or woman, or friend or animal... Although if the right cat were to fall into my hands I'm sure I'd love it forever.

My love for pets aside, I think that happy endings don't exist simply because of the lofty ideals I seem to hold to them. Happy endings seem to have to include ALL that you ever wish could happen, when simply overcoming adversity and ending up happy would be an ending that could fit that term. Even just being happy, on one's own without any complication could be constituted a "happy" ending, of course.

Maybe I'm too picky? Maybe not. I don't think I have some ridiculous idea of what I want out of my life, and I'm certainly not afraid to look for it, or to know when I've found it. I'll fight for it, tooth and nail; and I know that as 'lofty' as it may seem, all this will happen to me eventually.

Eventually better come, because my negativity and cynicism keep yammering on about how these ideals should be destroyed; love comes in many forms... yada yada yada.

But really? Does it? If I find that Catholic ditzy over-consuming arse-hole, would I even so much as take a second look? I have a predisposed hate for people who waste things, and Catholics (no offense) just seem to hate me for no reason, so I fight that fire with more gas.

So my point, will be proven, eventually.

That happy endings don't exist.

Of course, by being proven right, single and miserable is my fate; so I hope this one time I am wrong. :)

The irony of Waterloo Station

I'm currently reading a book called Waterloo Station by Emily Grayson. It's a novel, a short novel with a whole lotta romantic undertones (and overtones, and tones in general).

Minding the American colloquialisms, it's great. But this is no book review, you see. This is a quotation of all the ironies that exist between the book and my life. It's not even that, it's a ridiculous exaggeration of the similarities, between my heart and my head.

You see, I wanted to go to Oxford ever since I was little. Not simply because my elitism and my wanting to be the best; but I loved the old university feel and the prestige that came with having an oxford degree. The book's main characters are student and tutor at Oxford right before the second World War, and although their names are seemingly irrelevant; Maude and Stephen have a special place in my heart.

Maude begins the novel as an old woman telling the story behind the book of poetry her granddaughter found in a trunk. In her times at Oxford, she falls in love with her tutor;

and that's where the similarities begin...

I'm older than Maude, probably discerningly alternative in tastes, but we share a story unlike any other: we both fall in love with the unattainable, and even if it loves us, it never matters.

P.105

"There's nothing to say, " said Maude dully, "this isn't a death. It only feels like one. Nobody ahs died; I can't expect anyone's condolences. And he wasn't even my husband, Edith, that's the thing. He was nothing to me, just an idea, just a fantasy about what we would have together one day."

This is more disheartening than I remember. As I write it, it all becomes clear. I'm not just Maude, I'm that idea. I'm the somebody's nothing.

p.110
They'd sat in the pub that long-ago afternoon, on a weekend when they shouldn't have been thinking about anything but that weekend, and he'd urged her to think about the future. Be realistic: that's what he'd said, and Maude, foolishly, had assumed he was only talking about the war.

Who knew that She'd end up like me? cold, alone; And longing for something and someone that doesn't exist for us anymore. That Stephen is just like mine; he has grown hard and worn from the war, and my war has only just begun.

p.113

"It sounds to me like you were only wishing for a happy ending."

"I suppose I was," Maude said.

"But isn't that what we all want?" Edith asked.

Bad things happen to good people too, right? I'm so sick of waking up tired, not knowing where I am; this one won't be like you, neither will that one, or that one. And music meant something to someone who didn't have a girlfriend. fuck.

That was just what went through my mind as I read that. I don't know what to do. It's not like I'm not good enough, so I don't know who to blame.

The story goes on, and so does Maude. She moves on.

I put down the book, and look around.

Will I?

One more night (Young, Wild and Free)

I Love you, like the calm after the rain

like the want, that comes after the pain

To be young, wild and free

living with no regrets

All I want right now, is to show you

how right you'd be for me.

They say my life, and my love won't last

but all I love is everything about you

and everything about me

is why I ended up like this, so with

no regrets, how could I be wrong

to be young, wild and free

Try as you might, you can't

cause you're too weak

I'm that dark little heaven, back around the corner

ready to come and ruin it all

ruin it again, so drop to your knees

say please, baby please

no regrets, how could this feel so wrong

to be young, wild and free...

I'll never touch you again,

so I'll get what I can

We'll never be just friends,

one more night; that's all we can spend

like Stars, we'll sing along

and that we swore, it was a good one

that one night changed life as we know it

and the end,

should be a good one

oh, to be young

wild

and free.

Oh, Canada...

My home, my native land.

True love for beer, and all things hockey.

On a day that nobody works but you, my friend

Summer shows us its beauty, and you're not here

not here to understand

How really, after all was loved and lost

You're still here, in my heart, my friend

With matching hair and perfect hearts

We stand on guard for thee.

Oh, Canada... my heart's a rise with the sun

in two languages, english and franglais

The valley, called my home.

True, patriot love

We believe in different things

Liberalism, Cynicism,

whateveryouwantism.

But we know how to get along, and I feel alive

when I'm with you

Une Canadienne, errant, folle et miserable

Banni de mes foyers; dans un pays etranger

When I find you, I'll find myself

So come home to me,

et je vais t'addresser ces mots:

I love you, I wish I had never given up,

if only for a moment

I knew I had lost you

Oh, the best things I remember

are the times I felt happy

and the worst was when I knew I had lost you

Even when I felt alone

I knew you were somewhere, thinking of me

Et j'apporterai mon coeur, je t'aimais encore;

I miss you, so much.

Oh, Canada

Bring you back to me.