Day 1

Times have changed, and I thought I'd be different. I became a woman too early, I think; it's not that I developed early, or even wanted to be feminine in that way early, but that I was forced into maturity at a young age. At the age of 8, I decided to become an adult. My parents always called me "thirteen going on thirty" even when I wasn't thirteen. I never wanted to be thirty, I just wanted to be treated with the respect I deserved. The respect that came with taking care of your brother, your mother, and even at times your father. When food was not on the table, I put it there. When cleaning and laundry was to be done, I did it. I complained, as to be sure a child would, but things got done. I lost an important part of my life, but I am forever thankful I know how to live as an adult better than most adults.

This unfortunate time of my life has spawned a strong attachment between me and my father, for he would do everything I couldn't do or didn't have the (reasonably so) time to do. As I was a budding scholar, set to go to McGill at the age of 12 or rather wanting to go there when the time came, I had a lot of work to do along with my house chores. I didn't have time for boys, and boys didn't want me. I was gangly, with oddly coloured hair for my skin tone. I didn't smile a lot because I spent most of my childhood depressed or missing teeth. I didn't know what happy was.

But now, now I am grown up, I have time to play. With blue hair, and blue eyes my adult life has given me the blessings of love and friendship as well as plentiful studies. While I may not have gone to McGill, Laurier has been a great substitution and I have chosen Boston to go to for law come 2013. I'm always one step ahead of my future, and I guess being particular (overtly perhaps) has its perks. I just haven't found them yet.

But after all is said and done, and all has been thought through over and over again, I'm sitting here, alone on a Friday night while the people I care about are off sleeping with people they care about. All is well and balanced, but yet I always feel as though something's missing in my life. I sing, I write, I paint and do all kinds of crazy things to my body and my hair but yet I feel as though I have yet to find that one thing that makes my heart beat fast. Well, faster than level 4 on the elliptical, three days a week.

I`ve been lost, for a while, you see. These days I`ve just had more time to think about it. After finally getting into a career path which is a lot more in line with what I want to do and love, I feel as though that door is closed and another one has opened. I'm not sure what I'd do if all fell through, except cry.

Day 1 is the start of a new life. A new beginning, where the old one left off. I've never tried to be something I'm not, and I'm not going to start. I'm just going to start realizing whats going wrong, and start fixing it. Maybe.