Searching for moments

For some strange and awful reason, I've let myself get attached to people. Maybe I'm not as anti-social as I thought I pretended to be, but otherwise I let myself get away.

It felt so wrong to rely on another person, so wrong that I tried to run away from it. It kept following me, time and time again. And as I trace the lines on my skin I realize I was right to run. You were the wrong kind of person I'd let myself get caught up with.

And now I'm here again, searching for moments. 6 Essays to go, by the 16th my life will be over for awhile. The money situation is evening itself out (although I still don't know how I'm paying for next semester) but we'll get there.

Perhaps I've tried to fill some sort of lingering inner void in all the various ways that a newly honed young woman would. (and by newly honed, of course I mean somehow managed to drop 40+ pounds over the summer and out of it came a pretty awesomely toned body)

I feel ancient. I'm tired, and my legs are cold. Literally my body's heating system shuts off past 10pm, and then the migraines kick in. I've only been partially productive today. I've spent too much time thinking.

If thinking were an art, I think I have perfected it by now. Too much time lost to doing that... And now I'm here again, searching for moments. Watching One Week.

Singing silly love songs and wondering why I just subjected myself to yet another 'friends with benefits' situation. Love is such a complicated deal. It's not really even a deal, in my experience someone always loses. This time, it's not going to be me.

When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold onto them; they are the lifeboats for the darker times: the incomprehensible nature of life is completely elusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all along: what would you do if you had only one week, or one day to life? What lifeboat would you hold onto, what secret would you tell, what band would you see? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee?

What book would you write?